ManicGiraffe

In a morbid mood, I started reading a Fark thread on what you'd like on your tombstone. I've considered the following (just think of them as having "Here lies Bryan" in front of it):

1. Cheese and pepperoni

2. ++++ NO CARRIER ++++

3. Beamed down wearing a red shirt

4. Should have caulked the wagon and floated across

5. Alcohol was believed to be a factor

#1 is really commercial, #2 and #3 are really geeky, #4 is really 80s, and #5 is really likely.

Any other ideas?

The things you find on the interwebs:

"So, now that the courtship is over, I figure I can put my wizard staff into your mana pool."


This comes from an episode of "The Guild", which is hilarious for anyone who plays WoW and also like the hot readhead potential (Vi) from 7th season of Buffy.

Meow.

Browsing through CNN this morning - in my usual vain attempt to make heads or tails out of politics and the economy - I came across this photo. Pay special attention to the caption (no, I did not photoshop it):



So. Not only did Obama wipe the floor with Clinton this weekend, he took time out to receive his second Grammy. We need to elect this man, if only so he can also receive his third Oscar during the State of the Union. Judging by gesture and expression, I can only assume it was a Gospel album, or perhaps he is lamenting the current Mideast situation, where it is indeed hard out there for a pimp. Or maybe, in a moment of raw enthusiasm, he simply threw his hands in the air as if he didn't care. Whatever the reason, I have no doubt the moment was conducted with the grace and reserved statesmanship that marks both the Grammys and modern politics.

For the record, it was Herbie Hancock that won the Oscar...just that some monkey at CNN screwed up a copy-n-paste job.

Ah, Vegas. The only city on Earth with slot machines, free liquor, hookers, meth heads, and flashing lights all in one place.

And that's just in line for the buffet.

Luckily, with careful planning, I only ended up there for 1.5 days, did not take up cigarettes, and the Mirage hotel does not own my house. I didn't go to the ATM, did not contract any diseases, and did not say anything that started a fight (when you're a group of 7 guys, all of whom are six foot or better, you tend to be left alone). All in all, a successful venture.

I have discovered a new mutant power for myself (my first one is my ability to not get cold. I could scale Everest in jeans and a t-shirt). Apparently, I have an anti-probability field - my luck sucks to the point that it borders on mathematically impossible, but everyone around me suddenly starts winning big. Seriously. Graig was down $300 when I arrived, so I had him give me $100 and told him to hang on. 20 minutes later, I handed him $400. Tried it again with my money, and lost it all, 10 times in a row (I wasn't betting $100 increments, no one panic). Losing at craps? Have Bryan stand there and not play, you away with $525. Bryan plays? Gone in one roll.

There seems to be some confusion about my convention attendance. Well, yes, the Consumer Electronics Show was there. So was the annual Adult Video Network Awards and Trade Show. While I do indeed consider the Expo porn for geeks, let's do some quick analysis:

I went to Vegas with my brother, who is a cop. And five of his buddies, who are also cops/firemen/paramedics. They were all in the same frat together. Let's just say I'm the only one there who votes anywhere near the concept of "liberal", and also the only one that thinks "America! Fuck yeah!" is ironic and not a campaign slogan.

Which convention do you think we went to?

For the record, porn stars are actually very sweet people in real life, and from what I can tell, make quite a good living. They are also not at all shy about making sure you know everything about the latest advances in underwear technology.

There were no tentacles available, but I did manage to snag Noe a shirt that says "I'd fuck me" on the front. You stay classy, porn industry! I also got her a picture of a punk girl with a very small shirt, tattoos, and blue spiky hair. Her video was sold out, but I'm told it can be ordered of the internet.

But the most telling point of the trip? Walking to the gate of my plane, I saw a bookstore with a stand full of books titled "YOU! How to stay young in a high pace world." Right next to it was a sign with an arrow pointing to the gates: "Exit".

I laughed and took the advice.

Lessons learned via the Thanksgiving extravaganza:

1. No matter how many websites recommend it, do not brine the turkey in a plastic bag. You will experience bag failure about 8 hours in. While it looked shocking to see 1.5 gallons of water on the floor, my kitchen now has a lovely rosemary smell coming from the hardwood.

2. Carving a turkey never works out like the illustrations say it should.

3. The cat can make a standing leap from floor to counter to get at the food.

4. So can the dog.

5. Do not let the women who have been drinking make the gravy. How the hell did you guys get it on the ceiling?

6. Beware the oven self-cleaning cycle. It has no qualms about getting really hot and setting off the smoke detectors at 7:30AM.

7. Relocate said detectors to a place that does not require an extension ladder to reach.

8. Remember to close the piano lid. The cat is not a virtuoso, but loves to practice.

9. The trash people apparently don't do holidays. They came by this morning. Of course, I forgot all about trash day, so the can out back is entertainingly full at this point.

10. "Giraffe" is an acceptable answer to just about anything.

11. The Green category in Trivial Pursuit sucks. When in doubt, answer with "baseball".

12. Nobody drank the eggnog.

13. Human + Plastic Lawn Chair + Neurotic Pit Bull = Hilarity.

14. Windstorms are cool. Windstorms the day you threw out a bunch of cardboard recycles is not so cool. Cardboard on the lawn with the pit bull is even less cool. Picking up cardboard while yelling at the pit bull is not cool at all.

15. I'm not entirely sure "M-E-D-I-A-N-S" is a word. Doesn't the very definition mean there can be only one? Either way, it's worth 70 extra points.

16. Kurt plays some bizarre form of Solitaire that might be Communist.

17. My geography really sucks. In my defense, I'm not sure some of those countries you guys claimed were archipelagos actually exist.

18. Hudson Bay is in fact an inland sea.

I'm oddly proud of this. Aren't geeky guys supposed to get the hot chicks at the end of the movie? Or has Hollywood lied to me yet again?

Damn you, Hollywood! [shakes fist at sky in Kirk "KHAAAAN!" fashion]

For all you bloodthirsty wolverines out there:

Mr. Over-zealous Foul Ball Catcher

The rest

Noe: Oooh, look! That camel is uni-humpular!

Bryan: You mean a dromedary?

Noe: No! Uni-humpular!

Bryan: As opposed to the duo-humpular kind? Or would that be bi-humpular?

Noe: Depends on how frisky they feel at the time.

Bryan: Do you know what they call the no-humpular kind?

Noe: Non-humpular?

Bryan: A horse.

A bit more in the ongoing saga of Bryan and his paranoias.

1. I decided to stay with my current job. I like my coworkers (even if the clients suck), and the boss-man matched the other offer. Didn't seem worthwhile to upset my routine in a major way if there was no big financial advantage to it.

2. Apparently, I am allergic to cephalosporins. Cephalosporin is a class of antibiotic I was taking to combat a mysterious rash (turns out, the doctor thinks it was a chemical burn from when I over-scrubbed the shower, so the antibiotics were useless in the end). In an ironic twist, I seem to be allergic to that antibiotic, and my left eye has started to swell shut with yet another rash. The doctor took one look at me when I went back, said "Yep. Allergic to the meds. Sorry about that", and gave me prednisone and Benadryl to get it to go away. I am now going on an entire week with some odd itchiness or another. It's been fun. Really.

So...how's everybody else doing? Please type in large letters, as I only have about 3/4 of my vision working right now.

I hate these big life decision things.

See, I applied for a job. Fairly small company (around 150 people) about 9 miles from Casa Giraffe. We talked, I charmed their socks (NOT jocks) off, and they made me an offer.

All within 3 days. To say I am a bit confounded by the speed is an understatement.

Now, they offered me more money. At this point, you're saying "well, hell, MG, WTF is the problem? You're always bitching about money, so follow the bling, yo." Or something to that effect.

HOWEVER: through an unfortunate series of events, my current boss found out about my offer on the table, and proceeded to counter it. The upshot is that no matter which job I take, I come out a bit richer than I was last week - they are so close, in fact, that there is less than a $100/mo difference between them at this point.

Now, I generally like the people I work with, although a lot of you have heard me complain bitterly about how much my job is killing me. On the other hand, I am deathly afraid of ending up in a worse situation that I am now - I honestly wasn't overly impressed with the guys I met at the new place. I have no doubt I can do the work and do it well, but I didn't really feel inspired.

Currently I'm leaning towards taking the counter-offer and staying where I am. I've grown quite accustomed to the conveniences of working from home. But part of me wonders if I'm just afraid of change and am inventing reasons not to venture into the unknown. Am I throwing away an opportunity and will regret it later? I really wish there was an easy answer to this. Mr. Wild Turkey was of no help.

Heh. Some some idiot resurrected a news post from Dec. 2005 about a sequel to "Serenity" - then slapped in on Far's main page.

The resulting thread started as a deconstruction of:
1. Why another movie should/shouldn't be made
2. Opinions as to who should be killed off this time
3. Other Sci Fi shows that are better
4. Why the submitter is an asshole and posted year old news

But, as is common, people got bored about 25 posts in and started uploading pics of the entire female cast. Not surprisingly, this improved the discourse greatly.

God bless the internet.

So, I was perusing a list of the top baby names for 2006. You know, so my kid ca be a beautiful and unique snowflake when the time comes to name him/her/it after a stripper. I noticed something oddly hilarious about the list.

For the ladies, "Kaylee" (but not alternate spelling "kaleigh", which I saw in a move somewhere) rolls in at 21st this year. Followed by "Zoe" at 30th. River and Inara get shafted, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

For guys, the list is oddly normal (although "Sebastian" ranks at 84). Sadly, "Jayne" did not make the top 100, nor did the more normal "Simon" or "Malcolm". Sorry gents, looks like old-style Anglican names are the rage this year.

Noe informs me that "Zoe" is always up there, though not always that highly placed. Still I find this requires only one respone:

*headdesk*

http://www.wildplanet.com/spongebob/sb_aquapets.php

Can someone tell me why I find this so goddamn funny? I've seriously been laughing for like 20 minutes now, and I've been periodically looking at this picture throughout the day and laughing hysterically.




I don't get why it's so funny. But it is.

Me to the cat:

"If you get on that counter again, I will beat you to within an inch of your life. And since you have nine of them, it could be a long beating."

You scored as Serenity (Firefly). You like to live your own way and don�t enjoy when anyone but a friend tries to tell you should do different. Now if only the Reavers would quit trying to skin you. </td> Serenity (Firefly) 94% Millennium Falcon (Star Wars) 88% Deep Space Nine (Star Trek) 75% Moya (Farscape) 75% Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix) 75% Babylon 5 (Babylon 5) 63% Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda) 63% Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica) 63% SG-1 (Stargate) 50% FBI's X-Files Division (The X-Files) 44% Bebop (Cowboy Bebop) 25% Enterprise D (Star Trek) 25% Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile II: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? (pics) created with QuizFarm.com

A close second was...the Millenium Falcon. Maybe I just like the rogue with a heart of gold.

Mal or Han....Mal or Han. Aw, screw it. Both. But no pictures.

Oh, and in case Lucas is reading this: you're damn right Mal would shoot first. Or get Zoe to do it.

Warm wood stove to keep warm during winter? Good.

Almost lighting the entire backyard on fire with leftover embers? Bad.

The More You Know

Not exactly right, but pretty darn close. And it comes in sizes other than "toddler"!

http://www.periwing.com/soopmall/product.php?productid=16177&cat=257&page=10

And Teddy Bear (and parasol, if you're interested). I'm just bummed the Juggling Geese are sold out.

http://www.poplollies.com/browncoats/othergoodiespage2.htm

Some moron in Texas want to ban a book. While this is not very surprising, it gets better. The book he wants to ban?

Fahrenheit 451.

Bonus: He didn't actually read it, but his 15-year-old daughter had some "concerns."

http://www.hcnonline.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=17270600&BRD=1574&PAG=461&dept_id=532215&rfi=6

The irony is killing me.

You Are Corona

You don't drink for the love of beer. You drink to get drunk. You prefer a very light, very smooth beer. A beer that's hardly a beer at all. And while you make not like the taste of beer, you like the feeling of being drunk. You drink early and often. Sometimes with friends. Sometimes alone. All the party needs is you!